Doom and Gloom merchants from across the globe have been expressing their disappointment that the recent solar storm went by largely unnoticed and did not cause any destruction, which could have led to the end of the world.
A huge explosion on the surface of the sun sent solar particles hurtling towards earth and there was particular excitement at Doomsday HQ when they saw the magnitude of the blast. And when they discovered airlines and power companies were on alert, they were positively masturbating themselves into a frenzy at the thought that their stupid predictions of death and destruction in 2012 would have come true.
However, as expected by the normal people of this planet, the storm went past without even disrupting a cat’s fart, leading to derision and a series of load groans within the doomsday community.
“To say I’m pissed off is an understatement,” said Louise Bartlett from Aberdeen. “I was expected it to get really hot and set fire to stuff like in the Nicholas Cage film, but what happened? Fuck all. We even had a death party planned for tonight. That’s not going to happen now, is it? 2012 is supposed to be the year we all die. Not with shit solar flares like that we won’t.”
And fellow knob and Armageddon 2012 believer Lee Horner was a bit more realistic about it. “It was a bit shit, wasn’t it? I mean, the media built it up to epic proportions in the same way they do about an Angelina Jolie film, then it just turns out to be crap. Ah well, at least we’ve still got December 21 to look forward to.”
And Alan White, who has created a countdown to doomsday on 21 December said “You can laugh at us now but in nine months time, you’ll be shitting bricks in your pants, running round screaming like women saying ‘I can’t die yet’ and shit like that. And besides, we’ve been promised more solar storms. One of them will get us. Then you’ll be sorry.”
But some have started to change their minds about death day 2012 and now believe it’s not going to happen. “That was a big, fuck off flare,” said Father John Walters of St John’s Church in Dorset. “I seriously thought we were fucked today. I almost called in some of the altar boys so I could er… say goodbye properly. But we’ve survived this one and it didn’t even burn my sorry arse so I think we’ll be okay for many years to come. So fuck it, I don’t believe doomsday will happen anymore than I believe in God. I’m not supposed to say that am I?”
May the force be with you
Jedi Master Bob
No comments:
Post a Comment