Friday 2 March 2012

Humperdinck Resurrected For Eurovision Failure

The United Kingdom’s Eurovision organisers have performed something of a minor miracle by resurrecting crooner Englebert Humperdinck so that the country can once again fail at the Eurovision Song Contest.

Humperdinck has not been heard of since his last ‘hit’ in 1974 and his sudden re-appearance back in the music scene has caused many to ask if UK Eurovision organisers have been able to bring him back from the afterlife.


“It is true that Mr Humperdinck is alive – depending on your definition of alive – and will represent the UK at the song contest in May,” confirmed a spokesperson today. “And we are thrilled that he will sing for us in Azerbaijan in May. We think we’ve got a good chance this time.”

The song is yet to be selected, however rap and dance have been completely ruled out. “As funny as that would have been, we’ve had to say no to those. Can you imagine Englebert Humperdinck rapping? That would have been hysterical. At least if we failed, we’d do so pissing our sides laughing, but sadly no.”

The crooner himself said he was ‘honoured’ to have the opportunity to represent the UK. “I can’t believe I’m going to be the next in line to fail at Eurovision,” said Humperdinck. “It truly is an honour. There have been some spectacular failures over the years and I can’t wait to be next.”

The UK have not enjoyed much success at Eurovision since 1997, when Katrina and the Waves sang Love Shine A Light and have regularly finished quite low in the final table. And it was only in 2003 when a mixture of bad acoustics, shit song and an even worse group failed to score any points. The fact that the UK had just assisted America to invade Iraq had absolutely nothing to do with the final result. Nothing whatsoever.

“Eurovision is not political in the slightest,” said a Eurovision spokesman. “It’s merely a coincidence that neighbouring countries vote for each other year after year. Maybe when Scotland break away from the UK, you’ll get points off them.”

Will Englebert be a Euro success, or is he going to be a bigger flop than England’s Euro 2012 bid? We’ll find out in two month’s time.

May the force be with you

Jedi Master Bob

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