Peru is to formally make Paddington Bear an outcast after he refused to leave London and return to home in order to show solidarity with Latin American countries.
The move came after Peruvian president Ollanta Humala turned a British frigate away from their country and rejected a visit to London in order to show support for Argentina over the Falkland Islands.
HMS Melrose was due to dock in Callao on a routine visit, but intense lobbying from the Argies forced them to change their minds and turned the frigate away.
And following that move, the Peruvian government moved to invite Paddington, the much loved bear who arrived in London in October 1958, to return to the country in order to protest against the British.
However the plan has backfired, with Paddington declining the chance to return to his native country. “I simply could not return there, Master Jedi,” explained the ever polite, marmalade-eating bear. “I’ve established myself in your country and passed your citizens test. I like living in London. I have no desire to return to Peru.”
The move comes as a blow to the Peruvian government, who saw Paddington’s repatriation as another step to assisting their Argentinean neighbours in their endless, yet ultimately fruitless battle to reclaim islands that do not belong to them.
“We were hoping that Paddington would return home,” said a government spokesman. “That would have been a huge kick in the teeth to the British, but the little bastard decided to stay there. From now on, Paddington Bear will always be classed as a traitor.”
On hearing the news that he was now unwelcome in his country, Paddington said, “If they want to be bullied by the Argentinean government, that’s up to them. But I’m staying right here in London. The Peruvian government over there can and pleasure themselves continually.”
And American actor Sean Penn, who recently came out in support of the Argies, before supporting the penguin claim to the islands said, “I don’t know who the fuck Paddington Bear is, but he’s right, whatever he’s saying. Do I get to shag him now?”
May the force be with you
Jedi Master Bob
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