The elections, which are being held on 15th November, will take place all over the country outside London, will allow the public to elect a commissioner to oversee a police panel, which will have the power to appoint a Chief Constable, setting the force budget and producing annual reports to say how well they are doing.
For the 99.9% of cynics in the country, that means how
they’re going to completely rig the figures to make them look better than they really
are.
However former top cop Lord Blair said his vote, if he had
one, would go to Batman’s main ally Commissioner Gordon as he is bound to be
better than any of the candidates on offer, whoever the fuck they might be.
“James Gordon would be my preference,” said Lord Blair this
afternoon. “But I’ll tell you what, they might as well vote for bloody Batman
himself for as much as the public know about these elections,” Lord Blair
stated today. “I mean, who is running for police commissioner? And does anyone
really give a shit in the first place?”
Residents across the country have been receiving their
ballot cards through the post this week, leading to a general wonderment of
what the hell a police commissioner is at all.
“I thought my MP had died and we were voting for his seat,”
said Ernie Flack, a resident of Witney in Oxfordshire. “Then I discovered the
twat was still alive and in charge of the country so after reading it again I
realised it was a vote for a ‘police commissioner’ so it was nothing important.”
And Briony Williams from Essex said “Do we have to vote for
police? Well I think my granddad should do it so he’s getting my vote. Only
last week he knocked out a five year old because he thought the kid was trying
to mug him. But I didn’t vote for the coppers who arrested him. They were right
ugly fuckers.”
Turnout for the election is being predicted at somewhere
between the zero mark but the government believe it might even be as high as
1%.
“We’re confident that these elections will generate some
interest, especially among those people who clearly have nothing better to do
with their lives,” said a Home Office spokesman tonight.
“You know, those miserable bastards who walk the streets and
complain about everything, I think you call them ‘old people.’ Well that will
give them something to do and complain about so at least we’re making them
happy and we’ll have their vote at the next big election.”
The next big election being, of course, who should be the
next Prime Minister capable of licking the American President’s arse.
May the force be with you
The Fed Up Jedi
Follow me on Twitter if you want @thefedupjedi or Fed Up Jedi's Facebook page
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