As I don’t get paid a thing for
writing this blog, I need a day job and today, my esteemed employers asked me
to write a job advert for one of my colleagues who will be going on maternity
leave. I’ve given it some thought and come up with the advert below. What do
you think?
GENERAL SHIT CLEANER / FUCK UP RECTIFIER
Is required to cover maternity
leave, probably longer, potentially indefinitely as she will most likely never
return to this god forsaken place, not if she has a brain anyway (which she has
so it is likely to turn into a permanent role, lucky you).
Applicants will need to be
fluent in bullshit and have an aptitude for working with arseholes. Educated to
A-Level standard, not that you’ll fucking need it, you will be required to put
your superb communication skills to absolutely no use whatsoever because no one
will listen to you anyway. You will need to be organised because no other
fucker in this place is and ideally you will need to have a flexible attitude
as we intend to take the piss out of you as much as possible.
You will also need to have the
ability to split yourself into two, maybe three people or ideally bring a
couple of clones as you are going to need it to work here. That we can
guarantee.
Previous experience of working
with Pigeon Managers is essential, as they often fly into the office, make a
lot of noise, shit on everything and leave you to pick up the pieces. Also
experience of working with fuck up fairies and slobs would be a great advantage
as all our managers fuck up regularly, blame you and expect you to tidy it all
up while they sit jerking off to porn all day.
Salary is negotiable, meaning
we’ll tell you the pittance we are willing to pay you which is never open for
discussion (so don’t even ask) and you will also receive 25 days holiday which
is to be taken at weekends only.
Your hours will be Monday to
Friday, 8am to 6pm with a thirty-minute lunch break (only because the law says
we have to). If the successful applicant has children, these hours will be
extended in order for you not to see your family that much. Treat that like
we’re doing you a fucking favour you ungrateful bastard.
To apply, please contact our
office and jump through the many hoops we have set out for you to see which of
you suckers is best suited for the role. This is a once in a lifetime
opportunity to join this company and you may never get a better chance to get
treated like a complete and utter twat than this.
I think they’ll be quite happy with that accurate description.
May the force be with you
The Fed Up Jedi
Follow me on Twitter if you want @thefedupjedi or Fed Up Jedi's Facebook page
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