Rushcliffe Borough Council To Be Tested For Brain Cells, Intelligence and Basic Humanity

Employees at Rushcliffe Borough Council are to be sent for brain scans, forced to undergo intelligence tests and checked to see if they are actually human following their decision to impose fines on the homeless in the affluent West Bridgford area of Nottingham.

The arseholes in charge have decided that, rather than helping homeless people into accommodation and employment, it will be better that they fine anyone found sleeping rough in the streets £100, rising to a £1,000 maximum.

Some employees have dismissed the tests, with one saying “Like everyone else at the council, I haven’t even got a fucking brain, so good luck scanning my head. Losers.” As well brain scans, employees will also face a series of tests, which will include counting to ten without stopping, reciting the alphabet from start to finish in less than three hours and distinguishing between a humans, plants and aliens.

“I’m really concerned,” said one woman who did not want to be named, not for legal reasons or anonymity, she just couldn’t remember it. “I work for Rushcliffe Council, so it’s been years since I’ve had to use my brain. I hope they don’t ask too many complicated questions. The other day the doctor asked me if I would like to sit down. I just cried. How was I supposed to answer that?”

However one insider stated it was down to the government and their scissors why they are introducing the fines. “It’s all part of government cuts, and absolutely nothing to do with clearing these people off our affluent streets,” the insider said today. “I mean, our chief exec only gets £118,000 per year and with cuts, it means his salary may only go up by 10%. How is he supposed to live? So it’s only right that we follow the government’s example and take it from the poor, needy and vulnerable.

“The homeless are just the start though,” the insider continued. “Next year we are looking to introduce a breathing tax, so that anyone found breathing in our streets will either have to stop breathing or be fined £3,000. It’s only fair, we want a big, fuck off Christmas party next year and the people will pay for it.”

This evening, as the homeless people of West Bridgford attempted to keep warm any way they can, one homeless person defiantly said “They can fine me all they want. I’ll just give my address as the third tree on the left, then move to the second tree. That’ll confuse the fuck out of them.”

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